I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
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