And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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