While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
