the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
