Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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