mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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