I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
