im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
