Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
