Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
