just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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