Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
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