I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
