I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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