When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
