i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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