Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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