also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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