Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
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Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
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Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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