I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
