bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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