I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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