as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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