I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
