to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
