Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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