i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
