Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
