my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
