and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
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