hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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