her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
