fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
