Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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