So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
