I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
