Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
