I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
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Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
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You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
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