look no pants
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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