drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
25 Of The Most Common Life Mistakes Young People Make
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then