The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
