u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
