The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
The uberlube is also flammable
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
