This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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