I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
