So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
