You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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