I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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