I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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