apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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