After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
