I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Help me help you realize you are a moron
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
