the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
