They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
In other news, I just burned my penis
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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