I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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